I will probably get made fun of for having this fear. I didn't make any official New Years resolutions. I tend to keep my goals in my head and never write them down in fear of not achieving them. Instead of writing down any goals I have decided that 2009 will be the year that I tackle some of my fears, (maybe I should add writing down goals to my list). So I already failed at one attempt of a certain fear, but I won't disclose it until I actually succeed:)
I did have success at facing another one of my fears. I gave blood!! I know it sounds so stupid but seriously this has been something that has been haunting me for 11 years! My Junior year in High school the Red Cross came to our school for a blood drive. I signed up to give blood. I was scared to death but didn't realize how real my fear was until the interview process. My face went completely pale and I couldn't stop shaking. The nice lady asking me questions took one look at me and said, "I don't think your quite ready for this yet." I agreed with her and haven't attempted to give blood since. Every time that sign up sheet goes around Relief Society, it kills me that I am too scared to sign up. It's one thing to just not want to do it, but I can't stand not doing things because I am too scared to. I usually take the easy way out and sign up as a volunteer. This time I took the plunge and signed up to give blood. Once I made the decision I just told myself there was no backing out and I was doing it no matter what.
So the day comes and Isaiah and I head off to the church. I dropped Isaiah off in the Nursery and signed in. As I was signing in I saw a lady I used to play basketball with leaving. She was turned away because she was anemic. For a quick second I allowed myself to hope I was anemic but quickly brushed the thought aside because I really needed to get this out of the way. Well I made it through all the questions and blood test and 45 minutes later found myself on the luxurious lawn chair. I made sure my phlebotomist knew how nervous I was and I did not want to see the needle or anything else associated with the process. I turned my head and closed my eyes until he got the needle in. He actually did a great job because I didn't feel a thing. He let me know that my blood was flowing really fast and I should be done in 4 minutes. This is the hard part for me because just the thought of a needle stinking in my vein and my blood draining out into a bag makes me nauseous. I quickly informed him he couldn't give me a play by play or I would freak out. I kept closing my eyes and he kept telling me to open them. I told him I needed to keep them closed so I could concentrate. He told me I needed to keep them open so he knew I was still conscious. Fair enough. Ten minutes later he told me I was done. I relaxed just as he was saying, "I just need to get a few tubes for testing." Big mistake. I had allowed myself to relax and be done and now this needle was going to stay in me longer. The last thing I remember saying was, "I feel a little bit dizzy." Then lights out. I slipped into a nice little dream, and when I came to, I was lying on my back with my feet up and people all around me. I couldn't believe it. The first I said was, "Were you able to finish?" They were and I was glad. I didn't want it to be all for naught. I felt like crud for the rest of the day.
Though I did face this one fear, the thing I realized is that the hard part is not going to be facing my fears. The hard part is going to be to revisit them later. I have to continue to give blood until it is no longer hard for me. With that being said this is not going to be a 2009 goal of mine. I will be doing this for the rest of my life!
When I was talking to Daniel about this he said something that got me thinking. He said, "It's funny how things work out. You have a fear of giving blood, but you are able to do it. It doesn't scare me one bit, but I can't do it."
I think this put some things into perspective for me. We are all given challenges in this life and most of them are ones that we are capable of getting through. We just have to realize our potential. It's the challenges that we have no control over the outcome that takes the real leap of faith.
Well that's my Monday morning thoughts! I do realize how lame my fear of giving blood is, but it did teach me a thing or two:)